Here i sit. Fresh out of my rummage in the fridge, cupboards and pantry shelves. I am miserable.
I didn’t eat.
Don’t get too excited. I couldn’t find anything to fill this void. I guess i prepared myself for these moments when i was shopping. ARGHHHHH
Its been a rough week. Rough at work, rough at home. Relationships have been hard this week. I found myself struggling with all my emotions this week. For lack of a better description, i was having a bi-polar week.
My highs were great. I can conquer just about anything. i am strong i am fierce. I am woman! xena warrior princess!
And then, a passing glance in the mirror, an off the cuff remark from someone close, and i spiral into the lowest of lows. Why are you seriously pretending you can accomplish this. You fat pig, you suck! You are fooling yourself. You wont amount to anything, look at you!
Its so easy in these moments of low to lash out.
The kids didnt empty the dishwasher,
My husband didn’t ask about my day
My co-workers looked at me funny
the stranger was laughing at me
The doctor wont listen
Nope none of the above.
Its no one’s fault.
Its life,
good and bad. Rough days and good days.
I am only noticing the highs and lows because Im no longer stuffing both with burgers and potatoe chips. These feelings of “bionic woman” and “useless moron” are both real. They are raw. They are feelings. Feelings that need to be dealt with and addressed. Feelings that need to be felt, not fed.
So I closed the fridge. Closed all the cupboards, opened up my laptop and my heart.
Tomorrow, I’m going to try and be just Polly/
Whoever that is.
cheers
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Diary of a Fat Girl. 